Harry potter on crack
by Billy the Kangaroo
Summary: [COLLAB] Collection of onechap sugar induced humor fics. Honestly... don't ask. Oo
1. The retarded beginning

A new year of Hogwarts had begun. Lots of stuff happened on the train, but we don't have time for that. Must make you as confused as possible. The first years were lined up to be sorted, and at the back of the line were two 7th years looking rather uncomfortable. Harry, Ron and Hermione watched as the first years were sorted into their houses. When they were all finished, the two 7th years were called to the front. After a moment of speaking with McGonagall they sat down at the Gryffindor table.

"Hiya," the girl with Purple hair and blue eyes said. She seemed unable to sit still. "I'm Caitlin, but call me Billy!" When Billy sat down, her fist hit a spoon and it hit Ron in the face, making him spit out his mashed potatoes. Hermione lifted an eyebrow. "Nice, Ron."

"You'll have to excuse Billy," the other, slightly taller girl said. "She just a LITTLE sugar high. I'm Brittany by the way." "This is Ron, Hermione, and I'm..." Harry started. "BLOODY HELL....You're Harry Potter!" Harry groaned. Of course she would know him, after all he beat Voldemort. "You're hot," she said. Harry blinked. He had never had someone be so forward with him.

Billy spit her drink out and turned to Brittany. "You think I'm insane??" and went back to talking to Ron about different spells you could use to keep cheese from getting smelly. Dumbledore stood up and silence fell around the room. "As you all are aware, we have 2 new transfers this year. Please stand up ladies" Billy and Brittany stood up, looking around the room.

Brittany's eyes fell on a blonde haired boy sitting at the Slytherin table. Her heart skipped a beat. Their eyes met and she saw his icy blue eyes soften a little. Then Dumbledore spoke again and he turned away. Billy punched Brittany on the shoulder and returned to her food. Humming the tune to "Wild Wind", while Hermione was telling them all about a great book she read last week about bewitching your cauldron to look like it was made of paper mache.

"Hey Hermione..." Billy said. "Yes?" "SHUT IT" Hermione blinked. She glared at Billy, pulled out her wand, and muttered something under her breath. Everyone at their end of the table started laughing.

"Whad?" Billy asked, her mouth full of food. "Y-you have giggle d-d-donkey ears!" Brittany laughed. Billy pulled a mirror out of her pocket, then burst into laughter along with everyone else. She practiced wiggling them, then pulled out her wand and reversed it.

Then Brittany wrote in bright green neon letters with her wand above Billy's head "Dorkwad", causing everyone to break out into laughter again.

Their fun was cut short, as Dumbledore sent the students to bed. Billy, Brittany, Ron, Hermione, Harry, and everyone else headed for their dormitories. Upon reaching the painting of the fat lady ("Password?") Hermione shoved to the front of the line looking smug. Billy blurted out, "SLYTHERINS EAT BOOGERS!"

The portrait swung open, to everyone's surprise, and Hermione glared at Billy some more. They stepped through the portrait hole, Hermione bumping shoulders with Billy.

Everyone stopped when they got in. Somehow, Fred and George had gotten in earlier and bewitched all furniture to do a dance and shout "GRYFFINDOR!!" every time someone passed by.

Brittany yawned, "I wanna go to bed.." Billy and Brittany walked up to the girls dormitories and changed into their pajamas.

"Sooooo you like that blonde Slytherin, eh?" Billy asked Brittany. "WHAT?!" Brittany yelled. "I saw you! Brittany and.....Slytherin guy sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I---" SMACK! Billy fell to the ground. Brittany had thrown her very large history of Magic book at her.

"HA!" Brittany yelled, but Billy was out cold. Brittany shrugged and sat on her bed. Hermione shook her head and poured the pitcher of water that was on the table on Billy's head.

"So what was this about a blonde Slytherin boy?" She asked.

Billy shook her head furiously to rid herself of the water. "There was a guy with platinum hair at the Slytherin table that Brittany was staring at. I think I heard someone call him Malfoy." Hermione stood there, in shock. "NO! You can't like Malfoy!!!" She yelled, attracting the attention of Lavender and Pavarti too.

"Why can't I like Malfoy?" Brittany asked. Surely she had done nothing to make Hermione angry, like Billy had. "BECAUSE HES A SLIMY GIT THATS WHY! And besides...you're muggle born. He'll never go for you." Hermione said matter-of-factly.

"Well, as a matter of fact, I'm not muggle born. My mum never told me, but I was adopted. My real parents were a witch and wizard. But they died..."

"That seems to have a trace of....foreshadowing...." Billy mumbled. Billy sat there, drying her hair, singing something about "foreshadowing" Everyone ignored her. Hermione sighed. "You may be wizard-born, but you still cannot like Malfoy! If you even knew how awful he really was..." Brittany shook her head, "Maybe, but I'll find that out for myself this year." She said, and with that, everyone went to bed.

The next morning, everyone got dressed and all that stuff. Billy, Brittany and Hermione met Harry and Ron in the common room.

On the way to Herbology, they ran into Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy Parkinson. "Well, well, if it isn't the potty wee Potter. And the little Weasel, and Mudblood, trailing along as always. And who's the midget?" He said, looking at Billy.

"That's Brittany," Billy said, not always on top of things. "And I'm Billy. Nice to meet you!" Malfoy looked at Brittany and his eyes softened for a moment.

"Come on guys....lets go to class," Harry said rudely. Ron coughed to hide his laughter. Brittany shook her head but said nothing, blushing. "Shove off, Malfoy." Harry said, walking past him; they were already late for Herbology as it was.

Harry, Ron, Hermione, Billy, and Brittany reached the greenhouse and stood around their table. "What do you think Malfoy wanted?" Hermione asked.

Billy giggled and smirked at Brittany. Brittany hit her with a pot.

Hermione raised an eyebrow at them and got out her Herbology book. The others ignored Billy on the ground and talked until Professor Sprout came in.

"Ok," She said, "I have an interesting lesson for you all today..." The Herbology lesson was very interesting but there's no time for that. Everyone then went back to the dormitories, because it was magically night! They all went to sleep.

Billy ran through the halls of Hogwarts with what looked like a giant rat on her head. "OMFG OMFG GET IT OFFF!!!!!!!!" Brittany whacked her with a frying pan.

Hermione laughed and Billy blushed because Ron was laughing too. Yes it was another regular day at Hogwarts.

then? Billy (who was sitting on the floor due to Brittany's surprisingly strong back-swing) fixed her robes and stood up, Watching the giant rat scurry away down the corridor. "What was that?" she asked.

Hermione handed her the book that went flying (and landed in the frying pan. No one had a clue how Brittany got the pan in the first place...). "Oh, you see them every now and then," she said, "but normally the staff's good at keeping them out"

"Keeping what out?" Billy asked. "I haven't been that close to one before actually" Hermione said. "CLOSE TO ONE WHAT!?!?!!?" Billy screamed. Brittany listened to her screaming and then calmly picked up the frying pan, beat Billy unconscious and drug her by her feet to transfiguration.

When Billy awoke they were in transfiguration, Billy noticed everyone was trying (with much difficulty, save for Hermione) to transform the people next to them into some form of statue. Most people had one arm that was made of stone, but none complete. Billy leaned over to Ron and whispered, "What words are we s'posed to use?"

"Habasnabahabababa" Billy looked over at Brittany and concentrated. "Habsadsdafnajksh namn kish" She said. Brittany turned into a big blob of jello.

Everyone in the room stopped what they were doing and stared in Billy's direction (Billy couldn't stop laughing at the giant blob with eyes). Hermione turned around and reversed it. Brittany (as soon as she regained feeling) whacked Billy over the head with a giant text book. Brittany pointed her wand at Billy and said, "OMFGWTFBBQ."

Billy became a very ugly chair with yellow upholstering and everyone laughed. Especially Ron. Hermione changed Billy back. ("I'm getting REALLY tired of this!") This time it was Billy's turn to whack Brittany over the head with a giant text book. However it wasn't as effective because her arms still had a coating of wood on them.

McGonagall seemed to be getting very disturbed.  
"Err...." Professor M seemed to have forgotten the lesson. "Err...put…put your wands away students...yes that's safest...I mean.. read chapter 12."

As Harry, Ron, Hermione, Brittany and Billy walked back to the common room (classes were over for the day), Hermione wondered aloud why McGonnagall was acting so weird.

"Maybe she's wearing itchy clothes and has to change them before she got a rash..." Billy said. Brittany shook her head. "Idiot..." she mumbled under her breath. "No, that's not it," Hermione continued, "There's something wrong." Just then Brittany was tackled by someone and shoved into an empty classroom.

"Did you see who that was?" Hermione asked. "I think it was Malfoy" Billy said calmly and kept walking.

"Umm, shouldn't we follow them?" Hermione asked. "Why?" Billy asked at the wall while still walking. "Because!" Hermione practically shrieked, "HE'LL CONVERT HER!!!" This forced the others into a fit of laughter.

"Hermione..." Ron said, clutching his side, 'You're going off the deep end...." Hermione muttered darkly and walked down the hall with them. She kept casting evil looks back at the door Brittany had disappeared through.

MEANWHILE: Brittany was pushed against a wall in the empty classroom. Draco was leaning in close to her and Brittany closed her eyes, waiting for his kiss. Just then Snape burst into the room naked. "AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" then he left.

Brittany screamed at the sight and ran far... far... away... She caught up with the others who were entering the portrait hole, and told them what she saw. They just blinked in confusion, except Billy, who burst into insane laughter. "Are you... ok?" Ron asked Brittany, "You didn't hit your head or anything did you"

"OMG RON!! THAT WAS ONLY ONE TIME OK?!" Brittany yelled. All of a sudden she got this look in her eyes. "EVERYBODY TACKLE RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" She glomp-tackled Ron and he fell back onto the couch. Billy jumped on top of them. Harry shrugged and jumped on too.

"AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE HERE?!!" Hermione yelled and ran up to the dormitory. "Yes..." Billy said, then pulled random can of whipped cream out of her robes and sprayed them all.

The insanity continued pretty much for the rest of the night. Until Hermione insisted they all go to bed that is, because they had classes the next day and a large essay due. Then next day, Harry was very tired. This was due to the fact that Ron snored all night keeping Harry awake. The day went by pretty quickly (they didn't have potions that day, much to Brittany's thanks), and they were all looking forward to the first visit to Hogsmeade that year. Blah blah blah, school happens.

HOGSMEADE WEEKEND: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Billy, Brittany and all the other people not good enough to mention by name were getting ready for Hogsmeade.

Their outfits and such shall now be described in detail because the authors need longer chapters.

Hermione was dressed in a pink tank top and jeans. Harry had on a black t-shirt and jeans. Ron was wearing a Chudley Cannons t-shirt and kahki pants. Billy had on a red hoodie with ears and green pants. Brittany had on a black tank top and baggy cargo pants.

They all walked with the crowd into town. "Let's go to Zonko's!" Ron yelled.  
"No, no, let's go to the bookshop!" Hermione piped in.  
"HONEYDUKE'S!!!11!" Billy and Brittany yelled at the same time.

So everyone went to their own favorite stores. They met up again later at the Three Broomsticks. Brittany and Billy had bags and bags of candy to eat later. Hermione had bought herself a new book that smashed Ron's hands when she put it on the table, and Harry got a new collar for Hedwig. They spent the rest of the day in The pub and went back to school for dinner.

"Biwwy, wha you gointu do bout ur herbowogee effay?" Ron asked, his mouth full of food. Translation: Billy, what are you going to do about your Herbology essay?

"Why do you wanna know?" Billy asked, shuddering, because her pet peeve was people who talk with their mouth full. Ron swallowed.

"I won't have time to do mine 'cause I'll be busy with something..." Harry took a sip of his pumpkin juice. "Busy with what?" He asked "Errr..." Ron said, "just...you know...something..." Everyone stared at him.

Billy kicked him in the face and said "DONT TALK WITH YOUR MOUTH FULL"  
Ron rubbed his nose and grumbled something about insane people. Hermione stood up suddenly. "I'm going to go study for our essay," she said, "See you all later." And with that, she left, seemingly in a big hurry to get to the library. Brittany followed.

When Hermione reached the library, she looked behind her and jumped. "Brittany, I didnt know you were there!" "Yeah that's cuz I'm so sneaky!" Brittany hummed the mission impossible theme song and snuck around the hallways.

Hermione ignored her and went down the hall to look up books on various plant poisons. Brittany followed her.

"Hey, I wanted to talk to you about something..." She said. Hermione walked to an empty table with a huge pile of books. "What?" she said over a big book titled Poisons for Practice "Er...do you....do you like Malfoy?" She blurted out. Hermione spazzed instantly.

She began throwing books around and screaming. "Malfoy? MALFOY?!?!!? WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK I MIGHT LIKE THAT STUPID FERRET!?!?!?!?"

Madame Pince shushed her. When Hermione kept raving, Madame Pince walked over to her calmly and hit her over the head with a book. Hermione was knocked unconscious.

Brittany dragged Hermione back to the common room, which took a while considering it was on a different floor than the library. When she told the fat lady the password, she raised an eyebrow at Brittany questioningly.

When she finally dragged Hermione through the portrait hole, she found Harry, Ron and Billy doing homework in the corner, and walked over to them.

"OMG BRITTNAY YOU KILLLED HERMIONE YES YES GO YOU!! IS THERE ANY BLOOD?!?!?!!?!" Billy yelled. The others looked at her strangely and backed away slowly.

"Err..." Ron started. "What did happen?"

"Well, I accused Hermione of liking Malfoy, not accused really but more like asked her if she did and she started ranting and raving and making a fuss and Madame Pince told her to be quiet but she didn't so Madame Pince hit her over the head with a book and I drug her here which was really hard and the Fat Lady looked at me weird and now here I am telling you all," she said in one breath.

Ron looked down at the unconscious Hermione. "Damn..." he said, "I needed her help on some homework... Oh well, I'll just make something up."

Brittany, with Harry's help, pulled Hermione up onto the couch. "She's gonna want food when she wakes up..." Harry said. As if on cue, Fred and George walked up and dumped a pile of candy on the table next to them.

"OMG SUGARR!!!!" Billy and Brittany launched themselves onto the candy and began eating it all. Soon they were so hyper they were bouncing off the wall....literally. Billy had cast a charm for weightlessness and they were all currently bouncing off of random walls.

"THIS IS FUNN!!" Brittany yelled. Fred and George seemed satisfied with the results of this and told the two of them how to get into the kitchens. Hermione suddenly woke up and heard them talking about it, and then started ranting about abuse of house elves.

Billy walked over to Hermione and hit her on the head again. Hermione fell unconscious once more.

"Hey guys, lets go to Hogsmeade!!" Billy said. "But Billy....its 12 in the morning..."

"SO?!?" Billy then poofed them all to Hogsmeade, never mind the fact you cant apparate in Hogwarts.

Ron looked at her. "How the hell... did you do that?!" He asked, looking at her like she was nuts.

Billy grinned broadly. "It's my magic pumpkin wand!!! I can do anything with it! Including making DDR appear!"

Ron and Harry looked at her, confused. But Brittany started laughing.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHhahahaha..ahaha...ha?" She stopped abruptly. "What?"

Everyone shrugged and began walking down the street.

"Um...I hate to break it to you but...nothing is open.." Ron said.

"Oh i can fix that! my dad OWNS Hogsmeade." Everyone looked at her and then Brittany smacked her over the head.

Billy fell over and quickly got up. "Hey, I can dream, can't I?" she said, "Lets just go inside anyways and leave the money on the countertop!"

They tried to go into several stores but they were magically locked.

"Who didnt see that coming" Harry said sarcastically. Billy raised her hand. "Billy....shut up and send us home. " Ron told her.

Authors Note:  
Kira: Wheee!! That was fun! I hope you all enjoyed it! We will have more lata, right, Billy-kun?

Billy: is playing DDR BREAK DOWN…LLA ALA ALA LA ALLAALA MALA LANFSKJLHFA JAPANESE WORDS!

Kira: whacks Billy over the head Yes, well…..bye!

We have too much free time on our hands.


	2. Pickles and Kiwis

It was another day at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Hermione was being an insufferable know-it-all, Ron was being a prat, Harry was being completely emo and obsessing over Draco Malfoy, and Seamus had caused 365 things to explode thus far in the year. Tensions were high. Sexual tensions, that is.

Due to this stunning amount of stress, some particular students were having a hard time keeping to themselves. On more than one occasion, our three main characters had accidentally walked into classrooms that were cough occupied.

On this particular day, the trio decided that a nice walk on the grounds was the best way to avoid this problem. As they settled themselves under their favorite tree, Harry was suddenly unceremoniously kicked in the face. "Malfoy! What did you do that for!"

Malfoy just shrugged, and continued on his way. Harry stared after him incredulously, then got up and followed him ("Wait here you guys, I'll be right back").

"HEY! Malfoy! What the hell was that about!" Harry called as caught up with his destination.

Once again, Malfoy shrugged and kept walking. Harry grabbed his shoulder, and slammed him against the nearest wall. "Pay attention when I'm talking to you Malfoy!" Harry froze as Malfoy looked at him, not with anger, but...longing? Suddenly Snape ran around the corner in his heart patterned boxers, yelling something about Dumbledore's 'mimbulus mimbletonia.' Harry shook his head and released Malfoy.

Harry looked back at Malfoy (who was staring after Snape with a bewildered expression on his face) and told him he was acting weird. He started to walk back to where Hermione and Ron were, when Malfoy grabbed him on the shoulder.

Malfoy spun him around and pulled him into a deep kiss. Harry's eyes widened and he shoved Malfoy away forcibly. Malfoy stood, panting, looking at Harry. Harry stared at him for a few moments before turning and running back to the castle

Later that night...

Harry was totally freaked out about the whole 'incident', as he'd randomly decided to start calling it. That was the last thing on the face of planet Earth he would have thought could happen.

When he told Ron about what happened (he was too scared to tell Hermione), he stared at Harry for a moment, and then broke out into hysterical laughter.

Harry looked at Ron, annoyed, then yelled at the top of his lungs "Ron thinks his Auntie Muriel is a better snog than Lavender!" Ron shoved his hand over Harry's mouth and looked around to see if Lavender had heard.

When the two had finally settled back down and Ron was actually being serious (well, as serious as Ron could be), Ron looked at Harry. "Do you think he meant it as a joke?" Ron asked. Harry shrugged, "It didn't seem like it. Which made it even more disturbing than if it were a joke."

Ron had to stifle his laughter again. "What's so funny?" Hermione asked, as she'd just come into the common room from the library. Ron looked up at her, "Harry's all creeped out because Malfoy kissed him," he said before giggling some more. The next scene I cannot describe because it involves some females shrieking and a bit of Ron's blood on the floor, as well as some serious violence on Harry's part.

Later that night, in the hospital wing, Harry and Hermione were gathered around Ron's bed. "So Malfoy...kissed you?" Hermione asked with a look of revulsion on her face. "Yes. And I'd like to know why." Harry didn't add the thought that was forming inside his head. _'I'd also like to know why I enjoyed it...'_

Then Hermione all of a sudden did the most un-Hermione like thing possible. She leaned in close to Harry's face and asked, "So, how was it?"

Ron almost killed his stomach and fell out of the bed from laughter.

Harry looked at her strangely. "Er...good, I suppose..."

"Oy! Why does it matter?" Ron asked angrily. Hermione blushed and looked down. "Because...it might help us understand why he did it!" Harry looked between Ron's angry face and Hermione's embarrassed one and something clicked in his head. "OW! Damn I need to get that robotic plate fixed. It keeps clicking."

Hermione suddenly decided not to be embarrassed anymore, and continued with her deduction. "Ok, so if it was 'good I guess', that must mean that it was serious!"

"No, really?" Harry remarked sarcastically.

Suddenly the hospital wing doors swung open, and in rushed Draco Malfoy, looking furious. "Aha! Potter, how could you? You pervy Weasley-fancier!" He then stormed out in tears. Harry stared at the door blankly before Hermione nudged him. "You should go after him Harry." Ron sputtered and said "What? Harry she's crazy! It's MALFOY!"

Harry blinked a few times, then randomly decided to take Hermione's advice and go after him, wanting to get to the bottom of this. Then the hospital wing was empty, save for a very disgusted Ron, and a very OOC fangirl Hermione.

Harry finally had chased Malfoy down (who had suddenly regained composure randomly), and asked what the hell this was all about.

Malfoy glanced around quickly before shoving Harry into an empty classroom. He threw Harry upon the desk and began to climb on top of him. "Malfoy what the fuck are you doing!11!11!1!111/1$?23?" Malfoy stopped for a moment to read all the punctuation marks before answering. "Well Harry, I realized that no one could hate you and tease you and bother you as mercilessly as I have all these years without harboring a deep physical attraction for you"

Harry, now having an answer, weird as it was, had no more reason to scream at Malfoy, and instead settled for staring at him. All that ran through his mind for a moment was _'wtf...?'_

Then he randomly decided he was ok with it and kissed Malfoy hard on the lips.

Suddenly, Snape burst in, clad in what looked like one of Aunt Petunia's frilly pink cocktail dresses and saw Draco and Harry. "Potter! 500 points from Gryffindor for attacking Malfoy!"

As Snape continued on his way down to Dumbledore's office, Harry and Malfoy just kind of stared at him. And because this giant, rather mainstream hallway was completely deserted for reasons unknown, they decided to continue whatever the hell they were doing. Until OOC fangirl Hermione stepped out the door and squealed.

Hermione now sported a t-shirt with the words YAOI in bold letters, she was waving a flag that said "Draco x Harry", and the sight of the two boys grappling on the floor sent her into a flurry of excitement. Behind her, Ron was being sick into the wastebasket.

Now, you can imagine how awkward of a scene this was for anyone who might happen to pass by. Malfoy was sitting in Harry's lap, Hermione had turned into a perverted fangirl that was likely to squeal "kawaii!" at any given moment, and Ron couldn't seem to stop his digestive pyrotechnics. And that's just what happened. When randomly who should happen to walk down the corridor? Why, dear ol' Cho Chang!

Cho stopped dead in her tracks. "Harry...?" Harry looked over and visibly gulped. "Cho...h-hi! How are ya?" Cho stared for a moment before bursting into tears and running into the nearest loo. Unfortunately it was Moaning Myrtle's, and she slipped on the water on the floor and fell.

Malfoy, unaffected by this, but rather disturbed my Hermione, kissed Harry once more and went off to bed.

Harry just kinda sat there, stupefied. Finally, after long last, he managed to get out a "wtf...?"

Hermione looked at Harry then managed an excited squeal before collapsing. Ron had long since been down from extensive digestive damage. Harry wondered vaguely what would happen when they were all discovered in the hallway the next morning before he fell asleep as well.

Meanwhile, outside Dumbledore's office;

Professor McGonagall and Hagrid had their ears pressed against the door.

"So," Hagrid said, "How long do you think Professors Dumbledore and Snape'll be at it like that?"

"Shhh Hagrid! I can't hear anything!"

Next morning, in that random hallway;

Harry stood and yawned, stretching his hands above his head. He opened his eyes to see most of the students staring at him, Hermione and Ron, of whom the latter two were still sprawled on the floor. "Guys...guys get up. OH MY GOD RON YOUR PANTS ARE ON FI-YAH!" Ron scrambled blearily to his feet, and attempted to put out his non-flaming pants.

Ron grumbled something about petty trickery when he discovered his bottom wasn't ignited, then trudged off to get some breakfast. Hermione suddenly remembered last night's events and squealed randomly again, and went into the nearest bathroom, finding an unconscious Cho on the floor.

Harry just sat there awkwardly.

A first-year Hufflepuff boy walked slowly up to Harry. Harry looked at him for a few moments, until the boy poked him in the face with a stick. "Davey, Davey, I touched him!" Harry made a lunge for the boy, and missed spectacularly, and landed on his face.

Harry was just about to have to deal with an enormous embarrassment, when as he scrambled off the boy below him, Snape ran through the hallway insanely wearing a penguin suit shouting about frogs in his pants.

Throughout the day, classes were interrupted by a very insane Professor Snape who kept popping into classrooms in random costumes shouting obscene things. He was almost always followed by a harried looking Professor McGonagall, who kept trying to stop him with spells, to no avail.

That evening at dinner:

Hermione glanced up to the staff table. "Where are Dumbledore and Snape?" Ron looked sick and motioned for her to drop the subject. "Speaking of which. where are Harry and Draco?" Ron looked, if possible, even sicker.

Then, all of a sudden, a miracle happened! Ron's sick look completely vanished from his face and he dashed away from the table to find Harry and Malfoy! SHOCK! Guess he got horny after being neglected by Lavender for all that time.

Ron burst into the empty Charms classroom to find Harry and Draco quite 'charmed' themselves. Ron then kicked the author in the face for even writing that sentence. "So guys," Ron started. "Do you think maybe we could have a threesome?" Harry looked at Draco and shook his head. "Sorry Ron, my bum is already really sore. Fred and George are over in that closet though." "Yeah but they're having crazy twincest. They won't let me join."

Harry and Malfoy looked at each other, and then they both shrugged at the same time. "Why not?" Harry said. And then they proceeded to do lots of fun things which I cannot describe in too much detail because the authors are trying to keep a decent rating.

Later in that evening in the Gryffindor common room, Hermione bombarded them with questions.

Ron didn't respond because he was in a bit of a zone. The reason for this was because of his lack of sex appeal, he was never able to get laid before. So he was kind of out of it.

Hermione shoved him onto the couch and proceeded to bombard Harry with difficult questions such as "How long is Draco's thing," "Is he as good as I've heard?" "How long did you guys go for?" and "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

At this point, Harry's mind was too full of perversion to care about what Hermione was saying, so he just nodded his head occasionally and fell asleep on the couch not much later.

Ron tried to get up to the boys dorms, but fell from exhaustion at so much physical exercise, knocked his head on the stairs and was out cold. Hermione was still asking questions.

Next day...

Harry entered the Great Hall and was instantly tackled by Malfoy. He promptly fell over and died. Just kidding! But anyways. Dumbledore stood to tell the students an URGENT announcement, when Snape suddenly burst in the door, completely nude, then passed out in the middle of the room.

Everyone was quite used to this new Snape, and they just ignored him. Dumbledore hadn't even noticed, and continued talking. "AHEM." He started, "Aheeh heh hem! Ahgeehm!"

He appeared to be clearing his throat, in a way. Sorta. It was very strange though... his face was turning purple! And then he passed out from lack of oxygen.

The bell rang for classes and the students left the hall, stepping over Dumbledore's comatose body.

On the way to Herbology, Harry was accosted...by Pansy. "Potter! What did you do to Drakie-poo!" "Er..." Harry looked to Ron and Hermione for help, but Ron was picking his nose, and Hermione was distracted by two boys holding hands. "Thanks guys..." Suddenly, Pansy waved her wand and changed Harry into a sock. All of a sudden, when the two boys disappeared, Hermione snapped back into reality and turned Pansy into a pickle! OO; Ron thought it looked so much like his boogers he stopped picking his nose! OMG!

The three decided to go for a walk on the grounds (they skipped Herbology because...because they can!) Suddenly, they heard a shriek! Ginny was being attacked by the giant squid!

They were all like "OMG!" And started freaking out! Then all of a sudden Snape ran out into the grounds wearing nothing but a superman thong and he grabbed Pansy-pickle and started attacking the squid with it!

"Ow, ow, ow! Let me go!" Pickle-Parkinson cried. Snape ignored her and beat the squid senselessly. Unfortunately, the squid dropped Ginny and she sank to the bottom of the lake.

The merpeople were like "OH EM EFF GEE! An ugly human! Get her outta here! toss" With a thud, Ginny landed on the grass at the edge of the lake. Snape dropped Pickle Parkinson on the ground, and proceeded to run towards Ginny, pulling a kiwi out of nowhere and sticking it in her mouth.

Ginny sputtered and spat the kiwi out. "Ew gross! Where has that even been!" Snape glanced around and then snapped his fingers. POOF! He vanished!

Ginny got up and ran away, then disappeared in a cloud of red smoke. All of a sudden, the stupid authors of this fic poof-ed out of nowhere! "Draco..." the short one said in a mystical voice, "USE the kiwi... UUUUUSE THE KIIIIWIIIII!"

"What do I do with it?" he cried. The taller one grabbed the kiwi and smacked him in the face with it. "Use it to wrap up the neverending fic, moron!"

"Oh, right." He said. And then he waved the kiwi in the air, and a large image of Snape in a kitty outfit projected from the sky. Then, the world of Hogwarts exploded, and the fic was over.

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Billy: Umm... yeah. The end. Or something.

Brittany: Stay tuned for next chapter!


	3. Thoughts of mutilation

Yeah yeah, we're back again. I wanna thank the very few amount of people who read this, especially the ones that cared enough to review. XDD This collaboration is getting out of hand, but it's funny anyways.

Disclaimer: You know how it goes.

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The crowd in King's Cross station surged around two girls as they pushed their way to platforms nine and ten. They glanced around and ran at the stone barrier between the platforms, passing right through it. Here they faced a scarlet steam engine billowing smoke into the air. They grinned at each other and set off to find a compartment.

Once on the train, the two girls couldn't find an empty compartment anywhere. Suddenly the shorter of the two shouted "Vi har inget bröd hemma!" randomly, which caused a few heads to turn their direction.

The taller one turned to her and mumbled, "Baka Imouto-chan..." and pulled her into the closest compartment. Inside, they found three other people. "Er..." the taller girl said. "Are we intruding?"

The three looked at them. "Er, no." Said one with red hair. GASP! The shorter girl started jumping around pointing at the boy seated next to him with black hair. "HARRYPOTTERHARRYPOTTERHARRYPOTTER!"

The taller girl grabbed the shorter one, placed her in the seat next to the redheaded boy and strapped her arms to her sides. "On the safe side, I better giver her this, too." She then handed the still jumping girl a Fruits Basket manga. The shorter girl immediately stopped bouncing and started reading. "There we go. By the way, I'm Brittany, and that's Caitlin. Call her Billy."

"Er... hi." Said Harry, still trying to figure out what had just happened. It wasn't until Brittany sat down on the seat across from them that she noticed there was another girl there too, but she had her nose buried in a very large book.

"Well...as you probably know...I'm Harry Potter," said the one Billy had gone nutso over. "And I'm Ron Weasley," the red head said. Brittany glanced at the girl, but she didn't seem to be paying any attention. Brittany read the cover of the book, "One Million of the Hardest Spells Ever: Annoy Your Friends With Your New Knowledge!"

The girl reading the book looked up rather irritated. "It's very interesting, don't pay attention the title!" She said defensively. Brittany just shrugged sarcastically and turned to conversation with the other two. "So," She said, "Who do you suppose our new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is?"

Harry and Ron scanned the head table (yes, they were suddenly whisked away to the great hall like... magic! Time has fast-forwarded itself too). "I dunno. There's no one new up there." Billy looked as well. "Ooooh except that dashing bloke at the end! ...DAMN BRITAIN! IT'S RUBBING OFF ON ME! GETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF" Brittany bashed her in the head and knocked her to the floor.

After all consciousness was regained, Hermione shrugged. "Since he's the only new person there, he must be the new teacher," she said simply. Billy and Brittany gushed. Then Dumbledore went into his start of year speech thing and introduced that yes they were right The New Guy was the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Then they all got full and fat and went to their common rooms.

THE NEXT DAY: "Nee-chan...wait for meeeeeeeeee..." Billy cried as she ran along the hallways after Brittany. "Keep up, midget!" Brittany called back. Billy turned red and sprinted into Brittany, knocking her across the floor. "Ow..." "Brittany hurry or we'll be late for DADA!" Hermione called as she walked past.

IN THE CLASSROOM: "Hello students. I am Professor The New Guy." (A/N: remember, Dumbledore said The New Guy is the prof.)

"Umm..." Billy raised her hand, "Is that your real name?" She asked.

"Of course," The New Guy said blankly, "Is something wrong?"

"Err... no..." Billy sat down slowly, confused.

"Professor The New Guy?" Hermione raised her hand, "What sort of things are you planning on teaching this year?"

"Well first off, I know it may be difficult in normal conversation, seeing as how my name is so long. You may call me Professor Cow. Now, the things I'll be teaching this year are treacherous, mysterious, dangerous, and fatasmagorical. The first dark creature we will be studying is...bad grammar. Yes, the most hated of all dark creatures."

Suddenly, there was a loud MOOOOO from the back of the classroom. Everyone's heads turned to see who had uttered such an offensive noise. It was some random kid nobody knew. So they ignored him for the rest of his life and everyone was happy.

"Professor Cow?" Brittany asked, "Technically, bad grammar isn't a creature, so how-"

"All in good time..." Prof. Moo Cow grinned evilly.

"So," Professor Bovine said. "Who can tell me the three symptoms of a bad grammar attack? Miss Granger?" "Well, one is the use of imaginary words, like humongous, or ain't. Another is the misspelling and shortening of simple words, like making you, u, or before, be4. And the last symptom is OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!" she shrieked the last part, as Mr. Cow had just uncovered a large cage, revealing a monstrous, green, hairy creature. "This? Oh this is just my pet Snoffleberger. THIS is bad grammar!" He uncovered a smaller cage, which revealed a laptop computer. The screen showed someone's instant message conversation.

The students all got up to get a closer view of the IM. Some of them gasped in horror at the horrid replies of "Omgzors liek lol," and "wtf r u sayin?"

Hermione had passed out from shock.

"Yes," Prof. Cow said. "Beware the grammar mistakes. Now, note the lack of punctuation and capitalization. Who can tell me the type of creatures who usually commit such atrocious attacks on our language?"

Hermione woke from her blacked out state and threw her hand up in the air. "OH! OH! MEE!" She squealed.

"Yes, Hermione?" Prof Cow said. Hermione put her hand down, looking smug, and said "NOOBS!"

"Correct, Ms. Granger. Newbies, or Noobs, as they are called, commonly use incorrect forms of grammar. However, other people, such as rednecks of foreigners, also use them as well. Look closely at this subtitled Japanese cartoon. Note how the subtitle says "Me am displeased." Obviously it was meant to say "I am displeased."

Everyone gazed in fear at the computer screen while Prof Cow pulled out another creature of bad grammar.

The all gasped, horrified, as Prof Cow brought out a fully-grown rapper. Some of the student backed away, for they're worst fears had been realized.

"Yo, yo, all o y'all betta not be disraspectin me. Y'all betta reconize. Fo shizzle." Several people screamed in fear. Hermione fainted, once again. Billy stood up and walked up to the rapper. She stared at him for a few moments before drop kicking him in the face. "Speak English, damn it!"

Seeing as how Hermione's face had become acquainted with the floor multiple times that class and some girls were crying out of fear, Prof Cow decided that would be enough for the day. He tossed a shiney gold tooth into his office, which the rapper followed, before hastily locking his office door.

"Alright students," Prof Cow said, "That's all for the day."

On their way to lunch, they discussed the lesson.

"Well, I think that was a wonderful first lesson with the new professor. I'm so glad he decided to show us something useful. I hope next lesson, he teaches us about how to defend ourselves against bad grammar. I, for one, would love to know how to correct these people and make their lives better and teach them proper-" "Shut the freak up, Hermione!" Billy yelled as she smacked Hermione in the face with mango. "Billy...where the hell did you get a mango?" Brittany asked. Billy shrugged and stepped over Hermione's once again comatose body.

At lunch, the place the decided to sit down at had a bowl of pickles sitting there. They were all reminded of the previous chapter, and the Pansy-Pickle incident, and moved on to another part of the table.

"So, what other lessons do we have today?" Ron asked while loading his plate with nachos and broccoli.

Brittany checked her schedule. "Um...Care of Magical Creatures, and Potions."

"Let me guess," Harry said, "Both with the Slytherins?" Brittany nodded. Suddenly, Ron exploded.

The others suddenly lost their appetite, looking down at the remains of Ron's intestines on the floor, and decided to leave to Care of Magical Creatures early.

When they got there, Hagrid was preparing what looked like a bunch of oversized red asparagus with wings.

"These here're flying Asparudragids. I bred em meself!" Suddenly, Ron popped into existence, causing Hermione to scream loudly, which caused one of the Asparudragids to chase her and eat her. "Hermione! What did ya have ter go and do that fer?" Hagrid cried. Suddenly, Professor Cow sprung out of the forest. With a cry of "Bad grammar!" he tackled Hagrid.

Harry, Billy and Brittany watched this interesting commotion with apathy. Brittany suddenly glanced at Ron, noticing that his body parts were put back together, but not exactly in the right places... I will restrain from telling you how, as it might disturb you poor, unexpecting readers.

As one of the Asparudragids began throwing up the parts of Hermione it couldn't digest, they decided that potions might be a safer class after all.

Brittany tried her best to reassemble the parts of Hermione, but wasn't doing so well. Mainly because Billy kept jumping in and giving Hermione wings, animal ears, and replacing her limbs with food. Currently, Hermione looked like some crazy, half formed donkey with carrot legs.

When Hermione saw herself, she opened her spaghetti noodle mouth to yell at Billy, but was only able to release bits of sausage that hit Harry in the face as he observed quietly.

In the meantime, Patched-Up-Ron was trying to pry Prof Cow off of Hagrid, but to no avail. This was because arms and his bum had switched places.

Suddenly Snape showed up in a sequined prom dress. He waved his wand and made Hermione right again. He poofed Ron back into the netherworlds because they didn't really need Ron anyways. And he made Hagrid suddenly able to speak like a normal human being. He then ran off screaming "Deus ex machina!" Billy and Brittany exchanged looks then Brittany said, "Well. I think that wraps this up nicely."

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Brittany: Umm...

Billy: Yes.

Brittany: ...?

Billy: Snape and kiwi, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-

Prof Cow: 'sittin' is bad grammar! -tackle-


	4. Clearasil for all the Good Kiddies

WE'RE BACK! AND DUMBER THAN EVER!

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Once upon a time, there was a boy named Harry. He was friends with a lanky prick and a fluffy know-it-all. They were happy and life was full of fun dark wizards who tried to kill them.

Until, the two most AMAZING, WONDERFUL, DAZZLING young women came into their life..."

"QUIT THE LAME NARRATION!" Hermione yelled at Billy, "Get on with the damned fic already!"

"Shut your face Herm-own-ninny!" Billy yelled. She pulled a javelin out of her pocket and hurled it at her.

"Jesus, you guys, not even a paragraph into the story and you're already fighting!" Brittany cried. She waved her magic kitty wand and the javelin disappeared.

Billy waved her pumpkin wand furiously at Brittany and turned her into a computer keyboard

"That's what you get for interfering with me and that gorramn bush over there!"

Suddenly a computer screen popped into existence over Keyboard-Brittany, with the letters "WTFD!" Hermione stomped over impatiently and waved her wand, changing Brittany back to normal. "Are we ever going to get on with this fanfiction?"

"NEVER!" Chorused Billy and some random kid that just conveniently happened to walk by.

Hermione just rolled her eyes.

"Don't make me start making fun of you for chapter two! You were pretty damn out of character, miss 'I lurff yaoi!'" Billy accused, "You want me to do it again!"

Hermione paled and shook her head violently. Ron burst into laughter before Brittany rounded on him too. "And who wanted to have a threesome with Draco and Harry, hmmmm Ronniekins?"

Suddenly Snape burst onto the scene wearing a purple spangly toga. He shouted, "Two O'clock in the morning!" and waved his wand. Suddenly they were all at the start of term feast. Billy jumped up and cried, "Let the fic begin!

The plates were suddenly piled with fun num-nums and yummies, as usual. They all got full and fat and then looked eagerly up to the staff table to see who their new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was.

Their jaws all dropped in unison.

"Do you guys...see what I see...?" Harry mumbled.

"I think I see it...but...I may be dreaming..." Ron replied.

"Guys that's..." Billy started.

"Yeah. That's a sombrero. How can a sombrero teach DADA?"

They all gawked for a few more moments, but then they realized that might be rude, and hurt Mr. Sombrero's feelings.

They quickly looked away and felt awkward.

OKAY, so suddenly it was the next day and time for DADA class. Have fun guys. lamesendoffBillyisaloser

They all walked into the classroom feeling kinda nervous. They're nerves went bonkers when the realized what the class was going to be about, though.

The sombrero sat on the teacher's desk, next to OMG A VAMPIRE! Then a voice came from the direction of the hat. "Hello, class. Due to an unfortunate magical accident, I was transformed into this sombrero. But I am still capable of teaching. You may call me Professor Sombrero. Now, can anyone tell me what this is?"

Hermione hand went straight into the air, knocking Billy over in the process.

Billy fumed and seethed at Hermione while holding her bloody nose. Hermione simply answered the question and ignored Billy's cries of "What's wrong with you, overachiever?" and "Gorramn bush!"

Brittany rolled her eyes and handed Billy a tissue.

"Ahem," Prof. Sombrero said, "If I may continue. This is, indeed, a vampire. They are allergic to garlic and suck blood from people. Now I am going to give you no defense strategies at all, leave the room, and let you destroy this vampire all on your own. When I get back, whoever is still alive will receive 20 house points. Good day!" The sombrero then leapt off the desk and out of the room.

There was a moment of still, horrified silence as Prof Sombrero left the room, and then all at once, the entire class made a run for it. Unfortunately, they all tried to get through the door at once, so alot of people got hurt badly anyways. The vampire chasing them didn't help either. Our heroes (and semi-heroines) managed to escape, but the vampire was still chasing them down to the lake!

Billy cried, "Aren't vampires afraid of water or something!"

"I dunno," yelled Brittany. "Let's try it anyways!"

They then catapulted themselves into the lake. The vampire stood at the shore for a few moments, then, muttering something about not wanting to get his hair wet, he stalked off.

They all emerged, soaking, coughing and spluttering. Myrtle randomly drifted by and then got sucked up a pipe to the kitchens where the house elves were getting water to boil for tonight's dinner.

"Aaargh!" Ron complained, "I'm soaked!"

"Honestly, can't you all do anything?" Hermione said. She waved her wand and they were all instantly dry. "So...what now?" Brittany asked, looking around at them all. "Magic fight!" Billy yelled. She mumbled a spell, turning Brittany into a Bahama llama.

Brittany put her wand in her lllaamamur mouth and turned Billy into an effing duck! They both made their given animal noises at each other while Ron turned Hermione into a real live bush! Harry just watched, munching on crackers.

Ron pointed at the Hermione-bush and laughed hysterically. He accidentally waved his wand around and turned himself into a pickle. Harry was reminded, once again, of the Pansy-pickle incident and stopped eating his crackers. Meanwhile Billy was currently on fire, and Brittany had legs made of Hisa-chan and Jiro plushies.

Billy squealed over the plushies, which distracted Brittany and she ended up sticking the needle through the wrong part of the fabric. She punished Billy for this...

Brittany shoved a random carrot up Billy's nose. "Stop distracting me!" Hermione screamed in frustration. "Enough!" Suddenly they were all in the Gryffindor common room. "How the freak did we get here?" Brittany said. "I think I can answer that..." They gasped at the figure that emerged from the shadows of the room.

It was...

A DUCK!

They stared for a long moment, before Hermione fainted. Billy bounced up and down.

"DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIE! DUCKIEDUCKIEDUCKIE!" She screeched until Brittany whacked her in the face with Hermione's History of Magic book and yelled louder, "IT'S THE WHAT THE FCKING DUCK!"

"AHEM!" They all turned to look at the duck. Except Hermione, she was still unconscious. "Yes, I am indeed the 'what the fcking duck'. And I have come to you all with a grave mission. He-who-must-not-be-named has caused one of the worst events in history. He has caused all babies born to be born with...horrible acne. It is up to you to defeat him and deliver Clearasil to these stricken children. Do you accept?"

Brittany blinked at him for a moment or two, before saying, "Erm, all right then."

So they set out on the mission!

They got to ride on rolling desk chairs that move forward by themselves.

Billy was very excited about this, because the lever that normally makes you go up and down actually made you go faster.

She began speeding around and around the others. Brittany got so fed up with her show-offy behavior that she threw a cheesecake at her face. Billy stopped speeding to wipe the cakey goodness out of her eyes. "WTFD!" she cried. "Yes? Mr. Duck asked, two chairs up. "Erm...nevermind."

They continued until they got to the landing pad for the school helicopter. They went up into the helicopter with those fertilizer thingies for lawns, and poured the Clearasil into them.

As they were flying over the land, spreading Clearasil to the good boys and girls with acne, Ron had a brilliant idea.

"Let's go to IHOP!" They all congratulated Ron, for this was the best idea he had ever had. They flew the helicopter to IHOP and landed it in the parking lot. As they sat at their table deciding what to eat, Glay walked in!

Ron, Hermione and Harry didn't really notice, because they didn't know who they were.

Brittany was too busy to smack herself for not bringing a pen, because she was already talking to them.

Billy had fainted from both the shock and the pure hilarity of this really bad inside joke.

Suddenly their waiter appeared. He was in a cucumber suit and spoke with a horribly fake French accent. They were all once again reminded of the Pansy pickle incident, and Billy kicked the waiter in the face

They weren't quite sure how Billy managed to kick him in the face, considering the fact that she had just passed out a moment ago.

However, Brittany didn't seem to notice, because she was too busy trying to collect phone numbers (and was being turned down).

They all decided it was time to head back to Hogwarts. They all got into the helicopter (Brittany had covertly tied up Hisashi and was stowing him in the back) and flew back to the school. On their way there, they were attacked by a huge dragon and they all died. Or, if that ending is too cruel for you readers, the alternate ending is they got back to Hogwarts and inherited five million dollars!

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Billy: Ain't we cool?

Brittany: ... these are getting sadder and sadder.


End file.
